Love does not always look like warm cups of coffee, handed to you while you lay half-asleep in bed with sheets pulled over your head. It doesn’t always call you back to or let you know that you are on their mind. These are the hardest things I’ve had to unlearn. That love doesn’t really have a name or sound, but as I stand watching the raindrops fall onto your window, I notice the lives around me trying so desperately to voice this feeling.
As you pushed the wheels of the car in reverse, I see your love by the way your mouth curled – trying not to frown as you said goodbye. You never told me that your heart was aching or asked me why the world kept crumbling, but I saw the soil of the earth that your feet left behind in spite of your attempt to stay whole. I watched as you reined in the oceans behind your eyes, trying not to let your emotions overwhelm you like a wave at war with the wind.
You left your love for me in the silence, unsure of how to navigate the discomfort of all that has gone wrong. Your lips may have never moved except to purse against the warmth of your mug but I heard their intentions. Love lives here. And you, you are trying so wildly to grasp it.
You have made room for love to make a home within yourself, even if you never quite learned how to harvest the feeling. Unsure how the tears that fall from missing your mother and deep sorrow could translate and reflect a love that still lives deep inside of you. Love wasn’t supposed to see sadness. The love you knew and recognized was supposed to be simple and joyous, unconditional even. But your ability to love was so abundant that it had to fill highs and lows, both the mountains and valleys in order to capture the capacity of all that is in your heart.
While you may wish you could let more light into your life, others are seeking shelter in the shade. If darkness was not key to our existence, why would we let half of the world exist in darkness at any given time? We were not all created to grow and bask in the fullness of the beating sun, yet love still learns to take root in each of our souls. You do not need to glow through every moment of your life, but you must learn to find that love exists even in the midst of sadness. You have worn down the palms of your hands trying to show the depth of your affection, proving the extent of your love through the sacrifices you have made, but you must also learn to let others catch your tears. You must let yourself receive both the rain and the sun, and learn to let love in.