I have spent my short, sporadic time around the sun convincing myself that I do not belong. That I do not deserve to step on the soil that lies beneath me. As if I owe rent for the steps I take. So I stand still, hoping you do not notice that there are flowers beneath my feet that are gasping for air.
I know there is an overwhelming amount of potential hidden in the roots of each of our hearts, but I do not know how to nurture my own personal potential. While I cheer in the stands of my loved ones’ accomplishments, I tremble in fear that I no longer have anything worthy to share with the world. That I have allowed myself to become so small, that I no longer know how to grow or be seen.
In all fairness, I don’t think I have ever woken up risen with confidence like a sunflower when faced with the sun. I have always struggled to find the sun, the direction in life, but I know that I didn’t always allow myself to be buried among the roots of composted flowers. That I used to let my soul search for purpose beyond the plot I had been placed in. But now I find myself paralyzed, afraid to let myself expand beyond what I was given for fear that I will be seen as ungrateful. As if wanting beyond what has been given to me is selfish and reckless. These are the true words that haunt me and my creativity.
While it is true that joy is found in gratitude, no one is asking you to create gratitude out of moments that carry tension instead of peace, and judgement instead of compassion. If you begin to feel the tides turning in your heart and you long for more than the sea of unease that seems to surround you, you are not being ungrateful or reckless. I write these words to you because these thoughts, these words, layer themselves on my own mind, preventing truth, grace, and kindness to prevail as flowers.
You deserve and have always deserved to be somewhere that makes space for you to grow and expand. Not everyone will understand or nurture your path or growth, especially in a world fueled by jealousy. But, I hope you always find yourself in arms that support you, and roots strong enough to be replanted when the time for change comes. Like an aloe, you will only grow as big as the pot you are placed in, and you deserve to be seen, to be set up for success.
Whether it is pursuing a different lifestyle, a new dream, or taking a risk and walking away, you are allowing the flowers to finally grow. As long as you are moving, grace will find you.