Let Yourself Exist Outside of Their Expectations

A year ago, I would have apologized. I would have said that I am sorry I am not who you want me to be. I would even probably apologize for my existence, for casting my emotional burdens in the same ocean you swam in. I never meant to feel so much, or to think so loudly, but I do.

I feel in large radio waves of sound, filling your eardrums with a little too much bass. I speak up when I don’t feel like I fit in and sometimes I use the wrong words. When I feel like my “no” isn’t heard, I stop explaining myself and I start shutting down. I want to have conversations but when you echo words at me that I never spoke, I start to feel broken.

Please hear me when I say, I love you, without embalming myself in what you love. Because, I tried that, and it hurt me. I wanted to make you proud so I threw myself at things that brought me no joy until I was standing in front of a broken mirror. I tried to sweep my worries under the rug but I needed a kind woman named therapy to let me flood the halls and ceilings with fears and doubts.

Her words bring me comfort, reminding me to breathe. But her words, do not replace the absence of yours. While I know the smell of coffee brewing is your voice whispering “I love you,” I need to know if you like me, too.

Please like me for my honesty, for my willingness to speak the truth. Please like me for my vulnerability, for letting you see every broken piece of me. I hope one day you’ll be proud of me for getting help; for seeking light instead of darkness. I hope you’ll see I tried to stop picking apart my features and prayed for a will to live. I tried to learn to be ok, but sometimes I still falter. I’m sorry I don’t always have the same dream but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I will apologize a million times over for not giving you the love you deserve, for not saying thank you enough. But, I will not apologize for feeling too much, for laughing too loud, or for speaking my mind. I hope one day, there will be space for both us of breathe. I hope one day, you’ll laugh and say, gee, you’re as stubborn as me.

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